hostileterritory | TLV Inbox

He eases himself down onto the cushions across from John, digesting that little tidbit. Asleep in his cabin. This must be why John wanted to be on the filters, so he could do... whatever this is.

"I'm not sure I follow."

Except he kind of does. For a dream, this somehow feels clearer than being awake.

And he can feel the edges of the empty, the vacancy itself less like a steel wall and more like and obscuring fog. He doesn't like the change in fortifications.

"Or, put another way, why worth trying?"

Edited 2024-07-17 04:22 (UTC)

"Because we're currently stuck," he says honestly, looking over at David.

He turns one hand upward.

"I don't feel it's right to restrict your movement or punish you for what is clearly something you cannot entirely control."

He turns the other.

"But I'm not about to let Arthur, or anyone else, be endangered by whatever it is that's making you lash out for seemingly no reason."

He folds his hands together.

"So I thought I might take a look and see what might be causing your headaches, for one, but also see if you're as reactive as you are in the waking world here."

"I see."

That comes with the measured wariness of someone who's remembering the danger of committing to the unknown.

He watches David for a good long moment before he breathes out a sigh.

"Okay, straight talk: I'm not going to force you here anymore than I forced you in the waking world. You're still entirely within your right to tell me to fuck off, and we'll deal with that. But I am at least going to ask: do you know why you're attacking Arthur?"

"I suppose I have some theories, but to be honest I haven't worried about it much."

It's true. It's all true. Even the part about theories, which doesn't fully register to him as spoken aloud.

"Do you mind sharing the theories? Because right now, we're kind of clueless."

Trying to be patient but it's never been his strongest suit.

"And I'm worried about it. For his sake and yours. I don't want anyone strengthening the restrictions I put on you."

That draws him up short.

He said it. He said he has theories.

He just--

He could just--

There's no chains around half the things he could say in reply. There's no cattle chute for his mind to be forced down, away from any useful explanation.

"Conditioning," he says, like the word itself is a marvel to get out. "Uh... The program I was in, part of what we were required to do was protect it, keep it secret. Best I can figure, seeing Arthur look as much like me as he does rubs that particular assignment the wrong way."

"Hmmm."

That's... absolutely going to be a concern. And he has a feeling that once he lets Charlie know about that, Charlie might have a little more empathy for David than previously.

"Why would someone who looks similar to you be something you were conditioned to attack? Was it some sort of... cloning thing?"

"No, sir." He's wildly disoriented but there's a disbelieving little smile that sneaks across his face in fits and starts. A real smile, unburdened, with the fog to hold everything else back.

"Uh, it was to make better soldiers. Tougher, faster, more endurance, no fear, that sort of thing."

Goddammit. What is he supposed to do with that.

...not the information, the smile. He wants to hug him.

"'No fear'. Is that what the... conditioning is about?"

"Part of it." He shouldn't be so happy to say all of this, probably. "Obedience is the other part, and like I said, protecting the program."

"...so is it just obedience in general or only to people who are part of this... 'program'?"

He doesn't have all the social pieces to what this kind of thing would be or why it would exist, but he's pretty pleased he's getting answers.

"They couldn't tailor it that much." A pause as he considers something else. "Probably didn't want to, either, in case they needed to show us off to the brass."

"What is... 'the brass', exactly?"

John's understanding of the military is non existent.

He shakes that off.

"Do you want this conditioning in your head?"

"Uh, the folks in charge. The military officials."

He gestures at his own chest. "I think it's maybe from the medals and all."

He has no real idea, but it's not that important.

That next question feels like a slap, in an odd way he can't quantify. Not an intentionally harmful one--the kind of thing that wakes a dazed person up properly.

"Of course not." There's no anger in it, no resentment, nothing but simple surprise.

Hmm. That makes this simpler, but it also means that he's got to figure out a way to do that.

"I didn't think so. But it seemed wrong not to ask you while you can answer honestly."

He rubs at his chin for a moment before looking back at David.

"Okay. There's people in charge, the brass. I-it was a thing done by many people. Known about by people. There has to be some way for us to turn off the... murder-people-who-talk-about-it thing. I-is there some sort of code word? O-or a name we need to use?"

His smile goes a little darker, but it's still satisfaction, nothing unpleasant on his end.

"If they figured that out I probably wouldn't have been able to kill them. See, protecting myself is technically part of protecting the project. So them deciding to terminate things made the killing a lot easier."

"Fuck."

So not just shitty people but stupid shitty people who didn't even make themselves a way of getting out of this. Jesus fucking Christ-

"For the record: fuck them. I'm not going to give you shit about that, here or out of the dream. And fuck them for doing this to you."

He looks David in the eyes.

"I'm going to help you. I'm going to get this out of your head so you can be free. I promise." A sigh. "...I'm just... not used to working in this direction before. Fuck."

There's a long breath of silence as David considers a new question, a new potential danger this introduces.

"Would it all have to come out, do you suppose?"

"Depends," he admits. He's not trying to be difficult. But he knows that minds are complicated.

"It depends on if it was all done separately or all part of the same damage: little wounds or one big wound. You can't really heal 'half' of a wound."

Edited 2024-07-17 19:11 (UTC)

He makes a contemplative little noise.

"Don't know how much of it's conditioning and how much is the other stuff but I don't have to feel anything..." A vague gesture. "Bad, any more. Switched it off. They were aiming for fear but it works with pretty much everything."

Oh.

Ohhhhh no.

"...David, that's... that's not good. Feeling is a part of being a person."

"Oh, I do." That mild surprise again. "Just."

He shrugs. "Don't have to worry about the worst parts."

He nods. Slowly. And then shakes his head.

"David..." He considers if this is where and how he wants to point this out. He's not Charlie. He doesn't know how to do this slick. Or Arthur who can dive right into the heart of it.

He breathes out in the dream and lets his eyes close. Then he shakes his head again.

"The bad parts are what make sure you don't destroy the good parts. Because if you aren't worried about feeling bad, you can do anything. And that includes hurting people you care about. And they're the best part of everything."

Melancholy does not count as 'bad' enough to get muted, so he's certainly got a bit of that.

"That's likely part of the problem I ran into with Caleb's family. That and protecting the program itself, once folks showed up looking for me."

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